October 13 - Would you be an outlaw for my love?

We got some October sun this week. It feels like a do-over of the smoggy, smokey summer. I’ve been cleaning house and selling off things that I don’t need. I also opened all the mail that I’ve been piling up and avoiding.

I’ve been listening to this Big Star song about being 13 over and over for weeks. Autumn makes me feel like school is starting and gets me nostalgic. I can’t remember the first time I heard this song, but it was probably because I heard someone cover it. Elliott Smith covered it, and I didn’t learn it from him but I do tend to listen to him a lot in the autumn. I wish I could tattoo this song all over me. I want to cover myself in it like the ball fields have covered themselves in fallen elm leaves. Those elm leaves are perfect, scalloped, the most intricate, the most familiar kind of beautiful. Like falling in love for the first time over and over again.

I’m starting to see that my life is more like circles on circles than some kind of ascending line. As I get older, things feel brand new because I can go back to the beginning. I can go back to the beginning of being angry, or sad, or in love, and have a chance to feel it over again for the first time. Maybe I can feel it better than I did the last first time, so I can describe it better and learn something from it.

I guess what I’m saying is things are going good, and I’m trying not to break it.

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